Dear Asuka
by Ai Zhao Dao
Summary: Can you say PWNed?


**Dear Asuka**

Diclaimer: Shit, I gotta stop drinking that Absinthe

A/N: So yeah, what the hell, a lot of you guys don't know who I am, and that's okay, cuz I've been dead for like, what, almost a year? Wow that's a long time, I feel old. Anywayz, before you read the story, let me warn you, this fic is rated M for it strong language and distasteful humor. This is a really random fic that I totally just pulled out of my ass with the help out a few resources. Since there really isn't much of a summary I'll just say that Asuka's roomates finally let her know just how they feel about her. I'm warning you now, if you get easily offended or really like Asuka, stop reading now. But if you want to keep reading and flame me later, go on ahead, I've never been flamed before and I'm just begging for it with this one.

* * *

"Damn it, where the hell is that lazy kid, Shinji, I'm starving!" screamed Asuka as she slammed shut the door of the said boy's room. "How dare he let a young maiden as fair as I go unfed for an entire hour!" 

It was the middle of a beautiful and quiet summer afternoon and as usual, the resident German of the Katsuragi apartment had to go and ruin everything with her incessant griping. As many of you may already now, Asuka Langely Souryu (or however you spell that bitch's name) is one of those girls who give no time towards considering the feelings and sanity of others around her. She would go as far as to have an hour long, one sided argument of why playing pile up speed is for unskilled pussies.

Now it's understandable how the other unfortunate tenants must feel after being subject to such annoyances day after gruelingly obnoxious long day. And it is also understandable why the tenants would deny being involved with later events detailed in this fan-fiction, with outbursts such as these:

"Scheiße! How can you sleep on the floor like this all time! My back is killing me and I've only been living here for a month. No wonder you Japanese are so short!"

"What the hell is this? You're calling this gaudy drape a dress? Gee thanks, I think this is the best birthday present ever, it's so ugly even my dead mother would laugh at me if I wore this."

Or comments like this:

"Geez Misato, you're such a pig and you're drinking habit is disgusting. No wonder Mr. Kaji left your sorry ass."

Now unless there are any disputes as to why I should halt the composition of this story I will continue on. What's that? You think this fic sucks ass? Well tough shit, I already wrote it so it's pointless to try and stop me cuz it's already done, dumbass.

"There isn't even anything decent in the fridge either, just beer," Asuka mumbled. "What's so great about that stuff? It tastes like horse piss anyway."

Asuka continued her grumbling as she left the kitchen and retreated back to her bedroom both hungry and tired. There she would be able to find some kind of haven from her worthless roommates. However, when the entered the room, something was amiss. There was a folded piece of paper with 'Asuka' scribbled on it, lying at the foot of her futon. How the hell I got there in, we may never know.

"Another love letter? Geez, how many times do I have to tell Shinji to stop giving me letters from those pathetic boys?" With mild interest, the redhead snatched up the paper and flopped down on her futon.

However, as Asuka proceeded to read the letter, she realized that her assumption was totally wrong. In fact, I don't think she could've further from the truth. For one, the thing wasn't a love letter, which was a bit of a disappointment, although I doubt she would ever admit to that. Also, it was in Shinji's handwriting (does the kid even have the balls to write a love letter?). With each sentence that she read, her rage grew exponentially. I mean, shit, you didn't want to mess with this crazy bitch.

So just what was in written on that paper that pissed off out little German friend so badly? Oh I'll tell you, but before I show you the letter, let me ask you, if you ever found a note in likeness to the following, would you be pissed?

Dear Asuka,

Let me be brief. For the past year we have been living together, going to school together, and even saving the world together. Hell, I even cook your meals; you think you'd show a little more appreciation. But no, nothing's ever good enough for you, now is it. I've been real nice to you and tried not to hurt you, but really there is a limit to how much _shit_ a person can take.

So you know what, I'm going to be blunt. I fucking hate you. Sure have a nice pair of tits but shit, tits can only make up for so much. I mean, it's like you make me want to rip my pubes out! I don't know how many times I wanted to tell you that you should go slit your wrists and jump in a tank of sharks. And maybe someday I will laugh my ass off as I shove a funnel down your throat and fill you up with ammonia and bleach.

Oh hey, I just thought of an analogy that describes our relationship; you are to me as Satan is to Jesus. Hah! Isn't that great? If you're thinking that I don't have the balls to say this to your face, you're totally fucking wrong. If I saw you now I'd wanna grab a pipe wrench and put a dent in your eye socket, pry apart your jaws, and pull out all your teeth. I want you to know just how much I hate your slut ass before I kill you. Don't worry though, I'll build a gigantic monument, just for you, with the engraving 'here lies Asuka Langely Souryu, the great hero of Tokyo-3 who died being the biggest bitch ever to walk the face of the Earth.' Doesn't that sound nice?

Now that I think about it, I would do anything to be with you right now, laughing at how you're hopelessly condemned to hell. If I could I would sing you a song by Atmosphere, you know that one, 'Die Motherfucker Die.' It kinda goes like 'I'm pissed, you're at the top of my shit list.' Even better, we could confess out love to each other as cuddle under the stars. Fuck, sorry, I almost shit my pants from laughing so hard. Oh man, I crack my self up too much.

Love,

The sexy Asian boy that feeds your lazy ass

(P.S. FUCK YOU!)

By the time Asuka had finished reading the letter she had almost blown a vein. Who wouldn't have, after reading something that horrible? Oh yeah, that's right, normal people with something called self-control.

"That little fucker is so dead when I see him," Asuka growled. As the girl stomped towards the door, her fiery war path was laid out before her in a blaze of glory. And with such savage display, she slammed the door open. "Shinji, you shit, you're gonna wish…"

CLICK

Askua stood completely frozen in the doorway of her room as she stared down the dark barrel of a gun and then at the grinning face of its wielder.

"Shin-Shinji…" she stammered. "What are you d--?"

BANG

With a thud, the limp corpse hit the ground in a bloody mess. Shinji stared down at his former comrade, and as he started to lower the gun the grin began to fade from his face. At that moment, a whole wave of emotions began to hit him; sorrow, joy, remorse, regret, but most prominent of all, relief.

"So tell me Shinji," said the other tenant as she pat him on the shoulder, "how does it feel to finally rid of her, hm?"

Shinji, looked up at his guardian's face for any hint of guilt, but there was nothing but a huge smirk plastered across her face. "Uh, I dunno, it's kind of sad," he answered slowly, "but, really, I can't tell you how… how much I… it's just so much freedom! I don't know if I can get used to this."

Misato started laughing and placed her arm around him. "Are you kidding me? You're thinking about this way too much."

"I guess you're right. But Misato, don't you think that the stuff you wrote in that letter was a little harsh? And why did you have to use my name?"

"Shinji, c'mon! You know that it wouldn't have had as big an effect if I signed it with my name. And what's wrong with poking fun? A little teasing never killed anyone… oh wait, wait, it just did!" Misato began cracking up.

"You really are cruel, Misato," mumbled Shinji.

"Hey! I don't want to hear this from someone who just killed their own roommate! I know, why don't we go out and eat some fresh and yummy bratwurst downtown!" Misato fell to her knees cracking up again and banging on the floor.

"You're not gonna get over this are you?"

"Nie!"

"…Whatever, I'm gonna go take a leak."

"Alright you go, ahaha, do that Shinji." Misato got back to her feet and continued to chuckle to herself. "Whew, oh, man, why are dead Nazi's so funny?"

* * *

A/N: By the way if anyone didn't know Dead Nazi is a shot, ya know, alcholic drink. Okay first off, I have to apologize for the style of my writing in this fic. Wow, I never know I had it in me to write so... violently. Yeah I do some action scenes but this just screams FUCK YOU every other sentence. I was starting to scare myself when I got halfway through the letter. How's that for a come back to fanfiction writing? Actually, this is really a comeback, it's more of a I need to get the creative juices flowing kinda thing a.k.a. I have major writter's block. Now that I look at it, I really rushed this, and I'm too lazy to fix it. Anywayz, I apologize again for the style and the way that I presented everything, I really needed to set to mood or something but even the disclaimer? Wow, who the hell was writing this? I think I may have gone a little overboard. Uh, the song mentioned and the band is real, it's actually where I got most of the lines for the letter, hehe, I have no creative talent. 

So yeah, reviews? Flames? Cookies? Anything is greatly appreciated, yeah, I'm really waiting for my first flame.

Edit: Crap, I forgot to include one very important fact when I posted this story this morning, it was like 5am, so yeah, you can understand why this fic is the way it is. Okay the reason why this extra section here is to explain to you that I do not, repeat **_DO NOT,_** hate Asuka in any way, shape, or form. I used to, but that's ancient history. I actually hate Shinji the most. I just wrote this cuz late at night my friend sent me a little survey thing, with fill in the blank crap, and you were supposed to tell that person how much you loved them so I changed it to hate mail just for fun. Hence, the hate mail was born, but not as verbose. So I thought it would make for a fun story so I made this fic. I'm sorry, Asuka, I just couldn't resist. So I'm gonna shut up now. I really do talk too much.


End file.
